Welcome to Bartleby Jones EyeWhere! We know—having paid good money to Meta to find out—that you only click through on an average of five out of eight Instagram ads, so we value your attention and promise to make your visit at least as worthwhile as scrolling through those pics of your sorority sister’s Labraschnoodle or purchasing the industry-disrupting pizza oven, which is collecting dust in your kitchen. (We see it every time you boot up your Oculus.)
So, are you ready to level up your Spex Appeal™? Just follow these four easy steps, and you’ll be rocking new glasses in no time!*
*Owing to issues with the supply chain and child-labor shortages, actual shipping time is now five to seventy business days.
1. Choose your frames! “Try on” options by downloading our patented A.R. Framr app (a Snapchat filter that we bought from our babysitter, who’s majoring in computer science at WashU). Once you’ve found a pair that gives you flashbacks to when you were bullied in seventh grade, select one of our exciting color options, such as tortoiseshell, turtle-shell, or the former logo of the San Antonio Spurs (the only licensing deal we could afford).
2. Ask your mom for Dr. Herschbaum’s number. You remember him—the last optometrist (ophthalmologist? otolaryngologist?) you saw right before your driver’s test? Oh, you don’t live in New Jersey anymore? Then wear something cute to the nearest LensCrafters and persuade the guy behind the counter to update your prescription for free, as a special favor, just this once. Then snap a pic of your ’scrip and text it to us, along with your Social Security number and blood type.
3. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T FORGET TO SEND US YOUR PUPILLARY DISTANCE! No, that’s not part of the vision test—duh. It’s something separate and even more important. We need to know how far apart your eyes are, O.K.? It’s super simple to measure. Just stick one finger on each eyeball, hold your hand in that exact position as you lower it onto a ruler, and then tell us what it says. Five inches? Sure, that sounds about right—if you’re cosplaying as a nerdy hammerhead! Seriously, it’s not that hard. Try again. Two and a half inches? Sure, close enough.
4. Ready to pay? Easy peasy! As you know, all of our frames here at Bartleby Jones EyeWhere are only $99! Let’s just take a quick look at some add-on options, and then you’ll be all set.
-Prescription lenses (+$99**)
-Accurate prescription lenses (+$149**)
-Progressive lenses (+$149**)
-Moderate lenses (+$49**)
-Democrat-in-name-only lenses (+$79**)
-Thin lenses (+$199**)
-Ultra-thin lenses (+$249**)
-Wafer-thin lenses (+$399**)
-Scratch-resistant coating (+$199**)
-Coat-resistant filming (+$249**)
-Smudge-resistant scratching (+$199**)
-Groucho Marx nose, mustache, and eyebrows attachment ($99**)
-Shipping ($24, or free with five or more pairs!)
-Taxes (fifty-two per cent—sorry, our headquarters are in the Netherlands)
Good news! If the total amount due for your $99 frames is more than $1,500, you can pay in ten weekly installments, or you can just roll the cost into your monthly student-loan bill.
Thanks for shopping with Bartleby Jones!