Attorney Ted Wells published the findings of his NFL-commissioned inquiry into the New England Patriots’ Deflategate scandal on Wednesday.
As many suspected, the 243-page document doesn’t paint an entirely innocent picture, concluding that Tom Brady was likely “generally aware” that the Patriots equipment staff deflated balls below league standards before or during the AFC Championship Game.
Backing up this assertion are transcripts of cellphone text conversations between locker room attendant Jim McNally and equipment assistant John Jastremski—and in one case, Brady and Jastremski.
McNally and Jastremski surrendered their cellphone records, and put simply, their chats read like an off-brand Judd Apatow script about disgruntled equipment room bros plotting revenge against Tom Brady.
You can read the transcipts here (warning: Texts contain NSFW language and the general aroma of Curve body spray), but the main takeaway is that the phrase “F–k Tom (Brady)” is used multiple times.
In any case, the Wells report has the Internet humming with takes and yucks, many of which center on Frick and Frack’s highly amusing text conversations.
Here are some choice cuts:
I don’t even think Jets fans text stuff back and forth that ugly about Tom Brady.
— Gary Parrish (@GaryParrishCBS) May 6, 2015
Who’s going to be first to the dramatic reading of these saucy DeflateGate text messages?
— Awful Announcing (@awfulannouncing) May 6, 2015
The text message section looks like a parody account
— Steve Palazzolo (@PFF_Steve) May 6, 2015
The Wells Report dialogue needs to be set to Gil Thorp cartoons. Or off Broadway music.
— Michael Tanier (@MikeTanier) May 6, 2015
My biggest Wells report takeaway is a personal one: I hope to God that no investigator ever reads my text messages.
— Michael Hurley (@michaelFhurley) May 6, 2015
He’s just not that into you. pic.twitter.com/feXEhmiJdY
— Mark Ennis (@MarkEnnis) May 6, 2015
The most concerning thing about the #Deflategate report is that the Patriots employ at least one grown man that uses “OMG” in text convos.
— Ross Bolen (@WRBolen) May 6, 2015
Also, if you’re wondering which young, knucklehead skateboarders were behind these messages, Fox Sports’ Jimmy Traina has a curveball for you:
So there’s that.
Dan is on Twitter. He’s currently throwing his phone into a fire that’s falling off a cliff.