Poor John Carver hasn’t had the best of luck since taking over as manager at St James Park but if there’s one thing we’ve learned about Newcastle players over the course of the season, it’s that they always follow the instructions of their manager to the letter. So this should definitely work.
To prevent anyone from going online, iPhones must now be grudgingly exchanged for Nokia 3210s until the end of the season – even though scientists have proven that Snake is far more addictive than any social media participation.
“We have to try to keep it as low-key as we can in that sense but try to keep them as focused as possible and do as much preparation as we can.”
The banning of TV may cause more fuss, as a core group of midfielders had grown accustomed to watching repeats of Frasier as part of their morning routine, claiming it makes them feel simultaneously relaxed and “more smarter”.
Similarly, having no newspapers means other players are dismayed that they can no longer check on share prices in the FT or find out which particular ethnic minority is most likely to enslave the population of the UK that week.
Ryan Taylor is said to have reacted to the news by asking: “What the hell is an internet?”