In The Buzz Cut, we bring you a round-up of news you wish wasn’t news.
Woman With Great Maternity Looks Finally Gives Birth, Internet Loses 9-Month Source of Content
A woman whose pregnancy looks have consumed the Internet for the better part of nine months has finally given birth. It was a day of joy for the happy couple and also a day of bittersweet memories for netizens: like the newborn infant, they, too, screamed in agony due to losing a steady source of fashion inspo. Not content with using the woman’s life-altering experience for content to “yaaas queen” at, stans are currently on the lookout for the next woman to utterly consume and fixate their gaze on. The standard for maternal beauty having been set such, beauty and fashion industries are collectively fastening their seatbelts to launch trimester-wise products to help regular women also achieve that “sacrificed my firstborn for youth” glow.
Politician Accidentally Tells the Truth
It is a Freudian slip as damning as they come: a man confessed to his own war crimes while condemning someone else’s. While he corrected this grave error in his speech, a whole country is still awaiting rectification for his other big oopsie back in the day. Audiences gently laughed as he played along with his own joke, appreciating the humor in leaving a nation in tatters and killing thousands for no reason. The moment offered a brief respite from the otherwise serious subject of condemning another man for leaving another nation in tatters while killing thousands for no reason.
Inclusive Corporation Casts Woman of Color to Play Green-Skinned Character
It is definitively a color, and certainly a choice. An entertainment behemoth proudly announced its first woman of color superhero — casting her in the role of a character who has green skin. The bold choice will reportedly end racism by ending race itself. Green represents how sick Hollywood is of being accused of racial exclusion, and the woman of color, in question, is here to save the day. The empowering gesture also reclaims all the envy that people may have towards the person playing the character, and the green will also simultaneously represent the financial rewards to be reaped from the inclusive move.
Govt Man Chaperones Celebs at International Film Festival, Leaving Actual Job Behind
A man who singlehandedly turned most mainstream cinema into propaganda is spending his month lurking in celebrity selfies at a prestigious film festival abroad. Presumably there to take credit for things he didn’t do, he left behind his actual day job of spreading misinformation and broadcasting hate. IT trolls back home miss their boss and, currently unsure of what to do in his absence, are lurking around mosques to look for more historical fiction plots for the industry to produce next.