The Green M&M Is No Longer Sexy, Angering The Internet And God

They have stolen the Green M&M from us, and we will not take it anymore.

There is perhaps nothing more false — nothing more manipulative — than the surge in “woke” branding by major multi-national corporations.

After all, the truly woke position is one that urges for a dramatic rethinking of capitalism. That such a message can be co-opted by the very forces that perpetuate the evils of the system under which we live shows how easily even rebellion can become one more commodity, submerged in a system of buying and selling, its core beliefs transformed into products.

Think of the Kendal Jenner Pepsi ad, in which the images of the Black Lives Matter movement were hollowed out of their radical content and turned into dismal signifiers, designed to show that one of the biggest corporations on the Earth understood a deep and ongoing struggle in order to shift more units.

And now, this rampant march of commercialism has claimed another victim — yes, they’ve made the Green M&M less sexy, all in an attempt to signal that the Mars corporation better understands the complexities of the modern world.

I mean, sexiness is of course objective, and if spending time on the internet proves anything, it’s that people will find anything hot. But by moving the Green M&M away from her camp origins — namely, by stripping her of her iconic go-go boots, and replacing them with dull sneakers — the Mars corporation has reinforced the notion that radical sex appeal need be necessarily incompatible with the march of progress.

But why is this the case? Why do we need to return to moral puritanism in order to display our forward-thinkingness? Why are go-go boots less socially acceptable than sneakers? What is going on here? (I am not a crank.)

The internet, for the record, is not happy about this new change either, with hordes of Twitter users expressing their discontent about the shift in direction.

It doesn’t end there, either. The Orange M&M, whose primary trait has long been his nervous nature, will now openly acknowledge his anxiety — whatever the hell that means.

Nobody, it seems, is safe from the horrible march of capitalism, a shifting set of values that absorbs and distorts the modern world into a terrible simulacrum of itself, seeping even the most progressive of movements of their power. In short: let the Green M&M be sexy, goddamn it.

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